So, recently I was schooled at my own game. What game is this you ask? The game of wreaking havoc on people's hearts. I was on a top secret mission that only my close friends knew about... Operation Phantom Double Team... (no details will be given). And as this mission was well underway, I met this sultry mistress that stole my interest. She is beautiful and fun, someone that I could look past the imperfections of. We became close friends and were at each other's beckoned call. She is amazing and intelligent. We quickly became good friends. As my feelings for her amplified, so did my caution. Being in this situation before and having my confidence and trust shattered, I'm a very hesitant guy. I think these things out long and hard before I decide to go after something. As we got to know one another, I realized the hurdles that were present for any willing man to conquer before they could soften the tense tissues of her hardened/hurting heart.
My work was cut out for me... I decided to play the waiting game and just keep my feelings to myself. Maybe it would just take time to heal her still weeping wounds. I'm a patient guy sometimes... So, the process began. I was the shoulder she could cry on, I was the person who for the most part had been there and done that (because I really had). I was working the angle pretty well, it was all going smoothly until something happened… It was New Years Eve and (after much convincing) she got me to a NYE dance. Most people who know me would be SHOCKED that 1) I was out of my house on NYE and 2) I was at a Young Single Adult dance! Those are the two things that I despise most! Regardless, I got a little jealous at the dance at some guys that were hitting on her pretty hard. After the New Year came and gone, I left the dance and suffice it to say, I wasn’t in a good mood. Because of communication complications, I didn’t get to really talk to her until the next day. Long story cut short, I laid my feelings on the line because she pushed me to tell her why I didn’t like the new guy from the dance. After opening myself up for a total annihilation of feelings and confidence, she said that we had different feelings for one another. I can accept that, I know it takes two to tango… I refuse to be in another relationship like my last. If I had lost friends because they didn’t feel the same way about me, then I would be missing out on some of the closest friendships in my life. I would rather have those that I am interested in remain as friends rather than lose them to something as trivial as feelings.
After the puking of my feelings through thumbs (text messaging). She went back to how things were before, not thinking twice about it… Only to end up not talking to me 6 days later. It’s funny how things happen that you could never for see. Sometimes it’s like a switch just flips in someone’s mind that makes a decision… and some are too stubborn to flip that switch back off. I’m not saying that the switch flipping is good or bad, I say that it is different for each situation, in this situation… I don’t understand it at all. There was no reason for her to leave me (that I can see), but I’m sure that there is a reason in her head.
I’m so distraught about how things happened. I know I really had no control of how things went… but still have a hard time not talking to someone that I really truly care for and have grown really close to. It’s crazy to think that a relationship so close (not that we ever dated really, but just as friends) can be ended so abruptly. It really shook my very existence. It made me question myself and pretty much everything about me. It made me think that I was a horrible person, or that I am that easily left/replaceable. It completely threw most of my (what I thought were sure things and thoughts) off of their comfortable axis. It made me do a lot of looking at myself to find out how it is that all the girls that I have interest in end up destroying me mentally. The conclusion that I have found is that I have a big heart and find good things in everyone, with big hopes to the future, and I easily accept everyone. Now the resolve: I resolve to not open my heart until a solid relationship is there. I refuse to continually be hurt, stepped on, used, abused, left out to dry, and pretty much railed in every sense of the word. I know I should learn from these experiences, but it seems that I run back to the same situations every time. I am truly becoming less and less open and loving. I really need to protect myself. I don’t need to open my heart to everyone when I first meet them. If I come across as a jerk, then so be it. It’s not worth my sanity and happiness.
To any girl who has an interest in me in the future… Sorry, but you are going to have to work pretty damn hard to get me to open up. Good luck.
3 comments:
shut up puss. she was your friend.
I'm not going to shut up... if she was my friend then why did she have to do that? And do you know the whole story? I bet you don't. I'm sorry that I don't include every detail of a story... I try to protect those I care about.
Hang in there Nick. I wouldn't throw in the towel yet. Some day you will be grateful for these experiences because you will learn from them. If not now, then later. The older I get, the more open I get. Some will walk away and some will stay. If she was your friend, or is your friend, she will stay or come back...as a friend. Maybe she needs time. I am the queen of being friends with people I dated, or wanted to date and didn't. People that don't think people can be friends after a relationship need to figure out what "dating" really is. It isn't like a marriage gone sour. Hang in there. Don't write women off. Don't listen to ghost writer (whomever he/she is...I'm guessing a he) Yes, she was your friend, but the point, I believe of your post was, she was your friend. SHe should have taken it and digested it and gotten over it. Maybe she still will. It can be awkward...but someone once taught me "it is only awkward if we make it awkward, so let's not make it awkward". It takes two to make that work. Ok...shutting up...hang in there...someday you will reap the rewards of being open, honest and loving!
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